Category: Humor

Wikiality Bites.

“Colbert stepped farther through the looking glass by editing Wikipedia’s ‘Stephen Colbert’ entry during his show. He railed against the Encyclopedia Britannica’s assertion that George Washington owned slaves. ‘If I want to say he didn’t, that’s my right,’ Colbert said. On Wikipedia’s “George Washington” entry, the following phrase appeared at the end: ‘In conclusion, George Washington did not own slaves.’” The inimitable Stephen Colbert sends his legions against Wikipedia. (Via Now This.)

Garden of Freedom.

“‘We are engaged in a battle with people who hate our team and our way of playing basketball,’ Thomas said in an interview Tuesday. ‘We cannot afford to second-guess ourselves. You are either with the New York Knicks or you are against them.’” It is as we feared. As The Onion reports, Isiah Thomas has no exit strategy for the New York Knickerbockers.

Speaking Truthiness to Power.

“I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.” In a must-watch (or at least must-read) event, the inimitable Stephen Colbert took it to Dubya hard at last night’s White House Correspondent’s dinner, and Bush, according to press reports, was not amused. Great stuff throughout:

* “I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible — I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe our infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.“

* “Now, I know there’s some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don’t pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in ‘reality.’ And reality has a well-known liberal bias…Sir pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it’s 2/3 empty. There’s still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn’t drink it. The last third is usually backwash.“

* “I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.“

* “I’m sorry, but this reading initiative. I’ve never been a fan of books. I don’t trust them. They’re all fact, no heart. I mean, they’re elitist telling us what is or isn’t true, what did or didn’t happen. What’s Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American. I’m with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen. The greatest thing about this man is he’s steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday.“

* “But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on N.S.A. wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason, they’re superdepressing. And if that’s your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn’t want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.“

* “But, listen, let’s review the rules. Here’s how it works. The President makes decisions, he’s the decider. The Press Secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction.“

* “I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write they’re just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.“

* “See who we’ve got here tonight. General Mowsly, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren’t retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.“

* “Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he’s going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants. It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.” (Note: YouTube has smaller clips, too.)

One Step Beyonder.

“This is about camaraderie. It’s about teamwork, but most of all it’s about history. It’s really about knowing your roots. I mean, kids today, they’re reading about Wolverine’s clone sister. What the hell is that about?” The Secret Wars Re-Enactment Society (By way of Do You Feel Loved?) For old-school comic fans, this is worth seeing for the Kang and Ultron costumes alone. (And, as Chris noted, the payoff is pretty funny too.)

Fools of a Took.

Happy April Fool’s Day, y’all. Since I’m feeling lazy, I guess I’ll recycle Toast in the Machine for the sixth year in a row. But funnier, fresher stuff can be found elsewhere: Google gets into online dating, Bradlands goes Madlands, Fluxblog self-promotes, and the Museum of Hoaxes offers the Top 100 April Fool’s Day Hoaxes of all Time. Update: Wikipedia has a list of the day’s hoaxes. (Via FmH.)