Dead on Arrival.

Writer-director Stephen Sommers had best lock his doors at night, ’cause I have a feeling a very angry and very dead Peter Cushing may just be thinking of paying him a visit. Some movies are bad-funny, others are bad-bad…However much it may seem like one of the former from the previews, Van Helsing emphatically falls in the latter category. This movie is so loud, dumb, and nonsensical that it makes Kate Beckinsale’s last vampire movie seem like The Shining. In short, I’m ashamed that my ten+ bucks helped this godawful piece of claptrap make $54.2 million over the weekend.

What else is there to say, really? One of the early AICN reviews summed Van Helsing up as a “big, gawdy, dumb disaster,” and I think that pretty well encapsulates it. Hugh Jackman, so promising as Wolverine, seems bored and distant. Kate Beckinsale and Richard Roxburgh duel it out for the lousiest accent this side of Don Cheadle in Ocean’s 11. David “Faramir” Wenham’s bookish friar sidekick might’ve worked in a different movie (John Hannah played the same part in The Mummy)…it doesn’t here. And the CGI throughout — particularly that of the Wolfman and Dracula’s demon incarnation — is cartoonish and terrible. We’re talking Hanna-Barbera .

But I guess you can’t fault the actors and FX guys too much for phoning in such a terrible script. After all, everyone’s forced to chew out extended passages of completely clunky exposition, except during the long, interminable bouts of rope-swinging. The amount of time CGI characters spend swinging, flying, or falling in this film (with the camera invariably positioned just behind their CGI shoulder, so as to complete the roller-coaster effect, I guess) is flat-out ridiculous, and particularly given that the laws of physics never seem to once apply. And the denouement — which takes forever and a day to finally happen after all the flying, swinging, and falling — makes no sense in a number of ways. (How long is midnight again?) Trust me, Van Helsing is as terrible as you’ve heard…Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.

Starsky & Stakes.

It’s Friday, which as y’all know usually means a new batch of trailers. First up, we’ve got Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson mugging as Starsky & Hutch. Even with Snoop as Huggy Bear and that Will Ferrell cameo, I’d say the chances of me spending money on this are slim to none. Then, Kate Beckinsale continues her Underworld vamp streak in Hugh Jackman’s Van Helsing, a.k.a Raiders of the Lost Coffin. Jackman’s no Peter Cushing, but this one actually looks like goofy summer B-movie fun to me, even if some of the CGI FX here are suspect.

Subordinary.

Hello all…back from Toronto (Seemed like a great town…wish I’d had more time to look around) with nary a muscle ache or fever. Also caught The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen this evening. I didn’t find it as terrible as all the reviews made it out to be, but Lord knows it’s pretty bad. I suspect that even if the screenwriters had attempted something closer to Alan Moore’s work, Sean Connery would still kill the movie with his awful Sean Connery impression. And the story, as Ebert notes, is absolutely nonsensical. Peta Wilson, Richard Roxburgh, Jason Flemyng, and Stuart Townsend all acquit themselves well, I suppose, although the latter reminded me once again of why he would’ve made a lousy Aragorn. And as for Tom Sawyer…well, the less said the better. To be honest, I expected much more of Stephen Norrington after Blade. All in all, I’d say skip it.