Alexander the Great. Seeker, despot, conqueror, legend…and who knew he anything to do with the Kennedy assassination? Ok, Oliver Stone’s Alexander doesn’t actually pin the events of November 22, 1963 on the Macedonian conqueror, but, to be honest, I kinda wish it had — it might have injected some much-needed energy into the film. Over the past two decades, Oliver Stone has made films that are stunning, controversial, wrongheaded, and unforgettable, but never before has he made one so flat-out dull.
To its credit, I guess, Alexander shows signs of being an absolute train wreck right from the first reel. After a very brief nod to Citizen Kane, which suggested we may at least be getting a gloriously over-the-top outing from Stone this time around, the film settles in to Anthony Hopkins wandering around the set of the “Losing My Religion” video and spitting out long, interminable chunks of Basil Exposition. (Speaking of which, Stone must have been watching his VH1-Classic…there’s a scene on a mountaintop later that seems lifted straight out of Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”) Then, we’ve got Mommy Dearest Angelina Jolie writhing around with snakes for a bit (women = serpents = temptresses = deceivers, get it? Don’t worry, in typical Stone fashion, the point will be beaten into the ground over the next three hours.) Twenty minutes in, by the time young Alexander is channeling the Horse Whisperer, it’s pretty clear we’ve got a real stinker on our hands.
From there on, it’s just a pile-up. Other than a neat camel charge or two, the battle setpieces are completely inscrutable, and not in a good “Fog of War” kinda way. For some reason, the men all speak with Irish brogues, while both women (Jolie and Rosario Dawson) sound like Brides of Dracula. Give them credit, though. Jolie, Dawson, and Val Kilmer (as Phillip of Macedon, by way of Dr. Moreau) seem to be the only three people involved with this project who saw it for what it was and racheted up the hamminess dial to 11.
Much has been made in some reviews of Stone’s decision not to shy away from Alexander’s bisexuality — namely his love affair with the doe-eyed Hephaistion (Jared Leto, who fulfilled close to the same function for Tyler Durden in Fight Club) — and I suppose he should be applauded for it, given the recent trends in Red State country. But, frankly, what with all the earnest looks and pre-established Freudian baggage, it all comes off as high camp, and not nearly as open-minded as it thinks it is. Not that heterosexual relations fare much better, mind you…when Colin Farrell and poor, lovely Rosario Dawson hiss, scratch, and wrestle naked on their wedding night (yes, you guessed it, snake flashbacks are involved), it’s just about the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen.
To sum up, Alexander is a flat-out disappointment and easily the worst Oliver Stone film I can think of offhand. This review notwithstanding, it’s not even fun-bad. Think of it more as Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Movie.
That’s too bad. Robin Lane Fox, a fairly competent biographer of Alexander, worked on the project and one had hope that it might be workable as a historical piece. Sounds as though even for those of us who know the sources for Alexander’s life this movie would be a major let-down.
What about the various executions? Parmenion? Philotas? Kallisthenes? Kleitos the Black?
And it’s Philipos, not Phillipos. Where and when the convention of the second L arose, I know not.
Dork. (Jason, not you, Kevin.) I’m sorry to read this review. It followed on very similar appraisals from the Washington Post and the NYT. I had wanted this to be a good movie. Alas. Should I spend my 10 dollars anyway? Let’s put it this way: is it worse than Arthur?
Well, that sucks. I was going to appeal to one of you to set me straight on the historicity of it all…so I hope one of y’all catch it. Parmenion definitely dies…and I think Kleitos does too. (Is he tight with Philip?) GRR, I thought it was less enjoyable than King Arthur, but also probably more historical. Given your studies, I definitely think you should see it…but I can’t say, it’s a good movie, not by a long shot.
American filmaking is headed in the same direction as the dollar these days and that direction is not up.
Sorry, J-Go…I accidentally deleted your response to Nino while clearing out another deluge of comment spam.
GRR, the upshot was, “Ave Ruffinius, I’m going to wait to hear from you before I see it.”
The sexual politics in the upcoming film Closer look interesting. This might be a good flick.
LOL! That was pretty spot on but of course, it was much worse than the poor author had the will left to describe!
How about the immensely amazingly incredibly CRAZY maps with the small dots that kept appearing between seemingly unrelated scenes?
How about my personal favourite, the total PLAGIARISM of stealing the Agincourt scene from Henry V and then totally mangling it into a disaster to boot?
What the HELL happened?! I mean, compared to Troy which was hideous, there seemed to be no common sense of any kind here, not even the kind of basic muppet sense you’d find on the Hallmark channel. Which leaves me with the question of, “HOW????”